備忘録
ヒグチアイ
Text

In grade 8 they said I’m strange
It’s already been more than 10 years since I was bullied but
I can’t claim these wounds that still trouble me now are an accident

Instead of developing a way so that others wouldn’t hate me
I became to hate myself
Even if I let my suffocated emotions rot
there’s no place to throw them away
In the end the way I came to process it was through song

Everything I’ve done that made people fawn over me disappeared when I was 19
All the things that cut my body to pieces are now my treasure
The people that loved me despite being contrarian or arrogant
Please, I beg you, don’t forget them

When I turned 25 I said I’d return home but
I don’t have the courage
When lined up against those critics and office workers
I’m likely to be labelled a “would-be”

I yearned for a Tokyo painted in “pink”
If I could dye it so, I wonder how much easier it’d be
“I took a taxi after missing the train” “I met someone famous”
I’ve always been an outsider; I’ve no savings nor a lover
But somehow I feel things have stabilized in some way

I’m clinging to everything I’ve done that made people fawn over me
I’m closing in on that thing I’ve promised I’d do that will surpass it all
Although I’ve become the person I wanted to be
And yet I hate it
This contradiction blows in the wind

There was someone I bet my life on and loved
Even though they betrayed me I still loved them
Just like rubbing away letters written in pencil with my fingers
I learned how to deceive myself and give up
If someday I looked back at myself now,
I wonder, what would I say?
Would I be able to say I’m an adult?
That the only people I was unable to love
are the people that truly loved me
is because I can’t love myself


I made my meaning in life to live with someone else
I gave my reasons and gave up, I cheated myself
I’ve been unable to start anything
I’ve been unable to accomplish anything
I notice now that I’m alone that
my loneliness and dreams have always been together

Everything I’ve done that made people fawn over me disappeared when I was 19
All the things that cut my body to pieces are now my treasure
The people that loved me despite being contrarian or arrogant
Please, I wish you all the best

What I loved, what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be
It was the dream I wanted, the dream I waited for
I’ve already abandoned it all
As if I’ve thrown it all away this is a culmination of everything
The countless palms pushing me on even if they didn’t carry me
Please, don’t forget yourself
Please, don’t forget yourself